We all have a list of songs that we’d rather not hear again. This is my Top Ten Countdown!
10: IT WAS OVER - Kevin Bloody Wilson
This song about premature ejaculation is something of an anti-climax. The backing singers seem disinterested in their cliché harmonies and their dance choreography was no doubt slapped together in under a minute. When this song finished I was glad it was over. But because it contains a few naughty words, it’s slightly more interesting than the next song on my list.
9: HALLELUJAH - Leonard Cohen
Another song with painful backing vocals. Cohen’s voice has no dynamic range so he tries in vain to make it a little more interesting by varying the volume, but he's not fooling anyone. The chorus consists of one word only - hallelujah. It’s as if Cohen had it in mind to write something profound, but then couldn’t be bothered. Still, he almost gets away with this, for as lazy as it is, his one word chorus isn’t too bad - but the bits between are almost entirely pointless. Each verse in this song is little more than a string of random nonsense trying to get back to the chorus again. The only reason the verses exit at all is just so that Cohen's single word chorus wouldn’t be the sole feature of the song - but it would have been better that way. He should have just stuck to singing, ‘hallelujah’ over and over again and ditched all between. The organ player in this rendition obviously wants to go home and get on with his life.
8: ÇA PLANE POUR MOI - Plastic Bertrand
A song featuring nonsensical French lyrics with occasional lines in English. The title translates as, ’This works for me’. Well, I beg to differ...it don’t work for me folks! The singers delighted cry of 'Oooooo’ is followed by, “He gives me head,” in French. Now this would be a fun joke on heterosexual men singing along, but how can we be sure the chaps in this clip aren’t all gay in the first place? That nagging doubt takes the shine off this song for me.
Plastic Bertrand received only 0.5% of the song's royalties. That's more than he deserved.
This rot became an international hit single in 1978. What the hell were my parents generation thinking?
7: STAR TREKKIN’ - The Firm
This appalling noise spent two weeks at No.1 on the UK Charts in the mid 80s. Nobody knows why. It features amaturish lyrics such as “Star Trekkin' across the universe, Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse.” Enough said.
6: ÇA PLANE POUR MOI - Metallica
The original was terrible, but this is even worse. Do these washed-up rockers even know what they’re singing here? The dude in the black cap and his bald mate were cruelly forced to endure this live atrocity. They never fully recovered.
5: ACCIDENTLY KELLY STREET - Frente
Here’s a door and Here's a window
Here's the ceiling
Here's the floor.
The TV is on
That’s what it’s for.
Dull lyrics, dull song.
‘Accidentally Released’ would be a better name for this Aussie pop hit from the early 90s. Lead singer, Angie Hart, is working on a memoir about her time with Frente. “It's been really boring to write about,” she said in an interview with the Sydney Morning Herald - and I’m not making that shit up! Her autobiography is one book I’m eagerly not awaiting.
But at least Angie was a little bit sexier than Karen Carpenter...
4: (THEIR ENTIRE PLAYLIST) - The Carpenters
The 70s produced some of the most boring music of all time and The Carpenters were at the cutting edge of this genre. They bored the world with more dull songs than another group in history.
And Karen Carpenter isn’t even hot.
3: DISCO DUCK - Rick Dees
Don’t listen to this. That’s all I have to say.
2: BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY - Queen
For decades Queen had the dubious honor of producing the most tedious song in recording history, but I’m sorry to say they’ve recently been kicked into second place.
Even Freddy Mercury himself became fed-up with this song during production, hence the ridiculous stylistic switching between opera, rock and ballad. I’d rather stab both of my eyes with a knitting needle than listen to this six minutes of crap again.
1: MURDER MOST FOUL - Bob Dylan
This tripe, released in 2020, is so fucking boring I haven’t actually listed to it. I played twenty seconds at the start, the same in the middle and a slice at the end. Every snippet of this song is as mindnumpingly dull as every other bit. And to make matters worse, this exhausting monologue drags on for seventeen fucking minutes! Apparently it's some sort of lament about the assassination of JKF. Now I understand my parents generation is still all hung-up over that day in Dallas, but for those of us who weren’t even born, it's a historical footnote. We simply don’t care. So get with the times, Dylan! Quit living in the past! According to Billboard, Dylan's Murder Most Foul topped its Digital Song Sales, giving Dylan his first No. 1 under his own name on any chart! I guess Dylan’s fan base just wanted to slip him a No.1 before he dies - if he hasn’t done so already - he certainly sounds that way here. Dylan can’t sing and the can’t write lyrics, yet he won the 2016 Nobel Prize for literature. That’s like a kid scribbling with a crayon being named equal to da Vinci. What the hell were the Noble Prize Judges thinking? Probably all Baby Boomer contemporaries of Dylan, desperate to glorify the icons of their youth before kicking the bucket. Who Knows? Who cares?