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Japanese Schoolgirl Teddy Bear Assassins

The Great Teddy Bear Scourge of the 1950s was a dark episode in post-Word-War-Two Japan.

Modern-day Japanese Schoolgirl Teddy Bear Assassins, and their early counterparts in training

Unruly Teddies roamed the Japan in menacing gangs. Drunk on sake, they terrorized dinners in noodle bars and threw sushi at Ghersias the streets. 


An unsung hero, keeping the world safe from Teddies

Even around the perimeter of the Tokyo Imperial Palace, it was not uncommon to see hordes of intoxicated bears, passed out in pools of their own putrid vomit.  Ninjas were initially employed to slay the bears. But despite their proficiency at hiding in shadows, ninjas were unable to get close enough to even the most drunken bear to finalize an eradication.  

A rare Polar Teddy, hunted down and killed by the legendary assassin, 結愛 咲良 (Miss Yua Sakura)

Teddy Bears possess a remarkable sixth sense, one that allows them to perceive murderous intentions from well over a mile away. A Ninja reeks of danger to a Teddy. So it was soon apparent to the Japanese authorities that they required killers far cuter. 

The perceptive abilities of Teddy Bears, allowing them to perceive dangerous foe, is scrambled in the vicinity of cuteness. Thus Japanese schoolgirls were recruited and trained in teddy bear hunting techniques. 

Cute, but lethal, these school girls proved highly effective, and soon the Great Teddy Surge came to an end. 

The Japanese Schoolgirl Teddy Bears Assassins have their headquarters in Harajuku, Tokyo, and remain active to this day. They receive their instructions in code from anime comic books and are now operational throughout the world. 

Perhaps the outstanding achievement of the Trump Presidency, and one that often goes unpraised, was his quick response to a savage outbreak of Teddy Bears in the amusement parks of Florida. 

This influx of Mexican teddies packed the popular rides at Disney and pushed in front of good American Christain children waiting in line patiently for the Roller Coaster. Worse still, these undocumented bears gang-raped Micky Mouse! Then they laced fairy-floss with amphetamines and sold it to toddlers. 

Trump called for the death penalty for these bears and then flew in the cutest of Japanese Schoolgirl Teddy Bears Assassins. They soon had these drug-dealing Mexican Teddy Bears under control, and life in America returned to normal.

So next time you’re strolling through a shopping mall, enjoying the afternoon at an amusement park, or merely shovelling down noodle soup and sushi, pause for a moment to reflect - what would life be like without the Japanese Schoolgirl Teddy Bears Assassins?!


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