One of the last political acts of Donald Trump, the President who will no longer be President, is calling for an end to the obsessive counting of Count Dracula.
In response to threatening tweets from Trump, The Count replied,
"You know that I am called The Count,
because I really love to count,
sometimes I sit and count all day,
but sometimes I get carried away.
I count slowly, slowly
Slowly getting faster
Once I've started counting
It's very hard to stop.
It is so exciting!
I could count forever
Count until I drop."
Trump, agitated by the counting of The Count, claimed in an angry press conference that, "There's been a lot of illegal counting going on. Horrible counting. Awful numbers. All the beautiful numbers that should be counted have been tampered with. Only the bad numbers are being counted. The counting has been rigged."
When FBI agents prised open The Count's coffin on Sesame Street, just before sundown yesterday, they found an empty casket.
"He fled like a coward," Trump said. "We only just missed him. There were warm vials of blood still on his table. Someone tipped him off. I'm thinking Obama. Maybe Clinton. She drinks blood too. A lot. We should have locked her up!"
The current whereabouts of The Count and the precise nature of his current counting is unclear.
However, Trump has reiterated that, "There's still a lot of terrible counting going on. We have noticed illegal counting all over the country. It has broken out like a rash. Or like some contagious illness that spreads fast, if you know what I mean. Some people say that sort of thing can happen. The counting has not stopped in Georgia, Pennsylvania, Nevada or Arizona. It's very bad for me, and that's really all that counts. We will be investigating. It's suspicious. Very Suspicious."
As an explosion of rage gathers pace among Republicans, angry mobs with garlic are taking to the Streets in search of The Count.
Rumour has it that The Count is seeking Political asylum in Canada.
The Canadian Consulate on Sesame Street has not responded to our requests for confirmation.