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The Crucifixion of Greta Thunberg

Greta and a crowd of disciples met for The Last Protest, whence she gave them her final words of faith. "Listen to the Science," she said.

That evening, Greta was arrested and taken to the High Court of Capitalism, where she was spat on and beaten for claiming to speak the truth.


The Emperor of the United Nations tugged his beard in contemplation then asked, "What is the nature of her divine revelation?"

"She calls it science," said the High Priest. "And she insists this science of hers indicates we are all living in the last days; she claims an ecological apocalypse is nigh."

"Science?" uttered the UN expert on climate change, looking perplexed, "I do not know of this faith."

"I find no fault in her," said the Emperor.

"She looks upon us with a face full of hate, and an angry, never-ending searing stare!" said the Priest.

The Emperor shrugged. "She exhibits little more than the typical disobedience and disdain of youth."

"She must die!" the High Priest demanded.

"Why do you hate her so?" asked the Emperor.

The Priest spat. "She is a teenager. She is no longer a child but not yet an adult."

"And this is a cause for punishment?"

"She exploits her youth, and we of the older generations do not know how to respond. That is her crime. That is why we despise her," the High Priest explained. "She excuses herself of all wrongdoings, insisting she's too young to be blamed for the evils of society. Yet she then claims to be old enough to categorize our sins, and she stands over us as judge and jury, scalding us with venomous wrath.

She claims to be a child when is it suites her —when it exonerates her of sin. But then she attacks us with science, purporting to be no longer a child, but to be old enough, wise enough, and mature enough, to understand the intricacies of the world. She self-righteously grants herself the authority to pass moral judgment on us, but she stands immune to the stones she casts."

"How importunate!" said the Emperor, slamming down a fist. "How irritating!" "She is saying, I am without sin, but you are evil. Anyone can point and shout, but it takes wisdom to find solutions." Priest reiterated. "Only a fool yells at a camel to drink a little less whilst riding it across a desert."

The Emperor nodded. "There is no living in society, no reaping its rewards, and enjoying its comforts and conveniences, without accepting a slither of collective blame for the harms caused by society," he said.

"To judge the choices of an entire generation—choices that have admittedly caused collateral harm—yet to claim innocence of all wrongdoing on account of youth, whilst being a beneficiary of choices past—that is indeed a crime worthy of death!"


And so it was that Greta Thunberg, who was without sin, took upon herself the full weight of our sinful choices, and was nailed upon a cross.

Blah Blah Blah.

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