The Tennis Vaccination - Perspectives

The new tennis vaccination is proving highly effective. After taking the jab, many of the world's top players have locked themselves into hotel rooms, and they refuse to come out to play.

While this is undoubtedly a significant development in controlling the spread of tennis, heated debate centres on whether the tennis vaccine should be mandatory.


The highly contagious tennis virus, responsible for a global sporting pandemic.
The highly contagious tennis virus, responsible for a global sporting pandemic.

Annual outbreaks of Tennis sweep across the globe with uncanny regularity. The Grand Slam contagion is a particularly nasty strain, with many sporting aficionados calling for its eradication.

Pfizer and AstraZeneca have released new tennis vaccines, and governments are rushing to immunize their citizens before too many take up the racket.


A young John McEnroe cries, "You cannot be serious!" when receiving an early tennis vaccination. Modern pharmaceuticals are far more effective at keeping the illness at bay. McEnroe suffered severe side effects, including seven Grand Slam titles.
A young John McEnroe cries, "You cannot be serious!" when receiving an early tennis vaccination. Modern pharmaceuticals are far more effective at keeping the illness at bay. McEnroe suffered severe side effects, including seven Grand Slam titles.

I received a Tennis Vaccination as a child, with the needle scar still prominent on my shoulder. However, to my horror, I recently found myself watching an old Wimbledon re-run. As I book in for a modern booster shot, the Grand Slam season is on the horizon, and officials are battling to keep it contained.

The Grand Slam outbreak begins each year in the Southern Hemisphere, in January. It moves on to Europe and the UK around late May to July and finally sweeps across the USA in August and September.

Will this be the year when we finally overcome the scourge?


Novak Djokovic said, "I'm opposed to the vaccination. I wouldn't want to be forced by someone to take a vaccine to control my tennis infection. The risk of side effects is just not worth it. McEnroe had a tennis vaccination, and it really messed him up."

Andy Murray, a Scotsman striving to avoid the English variant of the tennis virus.
Andy Murray, a Scotsman striving to avoid the English variant of the tennis virus.

Andy Murray is in favour of a compulsory tennis vaccination. "I've been trying to quit tennis for a few years now, but I've had reoccurring flare-ups. Just when I think I've beaten it once and for all, I find myself practising for tournaments again. I hope with the help of these modern pharmaceuticals, I might be able to retire, for good," he said. "I wouldn't wish the ongoing training, strict diet, nagging injuries, and constant travel on anyone. Most of all, the fame, fortune and glory, it's not healthy.

Roberto Bautista Agut, fighting off a severe case of Tennis.
Roberto Bautista Agut, fighting off a severe case of Tennis.

Many of the top tennis seeds have already taken the tennis vaccination, and thankfully it is subduing their game.

"I'm staying right here in my room," said the tennis player, Roberto Bautista Agut, who is currently self-isolating in a Melbourne hotel after taking the jab. "I'm not going out for anything. Tennis? No, thank you! For too long the public has put sports stars up on a pedestal, and allowed us special treatment. I won't have any of that anymore. I just want to be treated as shitty as everyone else. I don't want to suffer tennis anymore. I want to get over this illness and be a normal, healthy person, one who knows hitting a ball back and forth is a bit stupid really."


Bernard Tomic is holed up with his pornstar partner, in a hotel room, after the couple took the tennis vaccination. "It's been a blessing," his partner said. "I've discovered I can wash my own hair, without anyone's help. It is so liberating to know I'm that capable."


Rising Spanish star, Paula Badosa, said on Twitter she was sorry after announcing she had tested positive for tennis, after previously criticizing Tennis Officials for trying to combat an outbreak in Australia.

Yulia Putintseva, standing in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter campaign, after realizing tennis is not all that important.
Yulia Putintseva, standing in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter campaign, after realizing tennis is not all that important.

In a picture posted on her Instagram, Yulia Putintseva, a Kazakhstani player, can be seen standing in her hotel room while holding up a sign which reads: We need fresh air to breathe.

She said, “I’m standing up for black people and their abuse at the hands of the police. The Black Lives Matter slogan, 'I can't breathe,' is something I've decided to promote, now that I'm not so fixated on tennis." Former world number one, Rodger Federer, said, "I'm just a really nice chap, no matter what anyone says about vaccinations."

Serena Williams indicated she will take the tennis vaccine after winning just one more Grand Slam.

Nick Kyrgios, the level-headed Aussie, and eternal voice of reason said, "I've never taken tennis all that seriously anyhow. It's just a fucking game, you know. And a bit of a boring one at that. I've worked hard at exiting Grand Slams in the early rounds, and I kept myself from going up the rankings.

Nick Kyrgios, forever the thinking man.
Nick Kyrgios, forever the thinking man.

But I've still suffered the sport. The thing is, when the world treats you like you're something special, just because you can hit a fucking ball over a net, you lose all perspective on what really matters in the world. At times, tennis has been something of mental illness for me, as much as a physical one. But thanks to the tennis vaccination, I’m on the slow road to recovery."


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