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Trump to Suspend Drunk-Driving Tests

Breaking news out the White House today, with the announcement of an immediate suspension to all tests pertaining to drunk-driving. This new Trump initiative has been widely praised for its expected contribution to road safety.

“Obama! Clinton! Benghazi! CNN! Fake News!” Trump noted today, in a powerful response to detractors.

“After extensive research, we’ve found the more people we test for drunk-driving, the greater the number of drunk drivers we find. This statistical data leads us to believe there is an unexplained correlation between the frequency of testing, and the number of people found to have a Blood Alcohol Content over the legal limit,” said a White House Spokesman.


“It’s incredible,” said President Trump. “Nobody has ever noticed this before. I pointed it out. Me! Some people say I’m a genius.”


The Trump administration will soon be looking into a rumoured correlation between pregnancy tests, and the number of women found to have unwanted pregnancies.


“My numbers will be beautiful. A lot of people say I will have the most beautiful numbers. Nobody has ever seen numbers like mine before. Abraham Lincoln didn’t have drink-driving numbers like I have. Less testing will make my numbers even more incredible,” Trump said. “Nobody knew that before. We just need to stop testing all these bad people. They’re bad. We don’t know if these people actually voted for Clinton, but we have a lot of good people looking into all these bad people. A lot of good people say these bad people didn’t vote for me. Can you believe it? These bad people are very bad. They're not good people. I’m having a love affair Kim Jong-un. I have big hands. A lot of people notice that. Did I tell you Obama is to blame? Benghazi. Fake news. Clinton. CNN.”



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